Why we need to elect a penguin as president in 2016

Upon having a political conversation with my mom, I came to a realization: People don’t like politicians. I wasn’t aware of this! Is there anyone reading this who was? Why didn’t you tell me?! Until now I lived my life thinking that people were happy with whom they elected to office, and that concept’s been completely shredded now.

Why aren’t we trying to solve this? If this is something that’s been going on for a long time then I’m very sad, because guess how long it took me to think of a solution? About 10 minutes. Ten whole minutes is all it took for me to solve this issue, and I did it all by myself. What do we do?

It’s obvious! We just elect someone who’s more likeable. A simple concept, yes, but I think that it will work. The only question though, is “What do people like SO MUCH that they will elect them over a real politician?”. And the answer, is this cool dude right here. 

AH'M PROUD TO BE AN 'MURICAN

Since I know at least 20 of you reading this are currently face-palming in jealousy, let me just say that it was obvious, and that anyone who applied themselves to the subject for at least 2 minutes would also think of this! I was just the first to do so. I’m not sorry. However, since our culture dictates that we have to support our claims with evidence, no matter how genius those claims may be (in my case, super genius level claims). Therefore, I’ll give 3 good reasons why a penguin should be elected president of the United States in 2016.

1. Patriotism and morale would be off the charts

Has anyone ever been around a penguin and been sad? I think it’s impossible. They are the best animals in existence, hands down. Everything about a penguin is engineered to induce the maximum amount of happiness, awe, and “awww”. Let’s break that down a little further!

A penguin’s waddle is un-arguably the funniest way to get anywhere, so much so that we emulate penguins when we try to be funny (don’t deny it. I know who you all are), and we hold the waddle above all other forms of transportation. Or, I do at least. If you aren’t waddling at least once a day then you’re really missing out, seriously this stuff is fun. Furthermore, have you ever heard what sounds a penguin makes?! It purrs. It purrs! Yes, pretty much just like a cat, and it’s two times more cute. Personally, I don’t see why penguins are more accepted as domestic pets, I’m sure they’d get along with children better than any other pet out there. 

That seal represents every other country in the world.

Now, the point of all this cuteness, is that I’m sure the American people would be PROUD to serve a penguin. People love to know that the person they’re working for is a person who has widespread appeal, and nothing has more widespread appeal than a damn penguin. Even the most terrorist-y of terrorists can’t argue that a penguin would win them over. They can’t! If a penguin asked you to do something, you can be sure that you’d do it, and you’d do it well, because you’d rather lose to the communists than disappoint that penguin. That’s the kind of dedication and loyalty that this country needs to come together and prosper in this day and age.

2. Race and party relations would be at an all time high

Another great thing about having a penguin president would be the subtle symbolic importance that a penguin would bring with it. What colors are on a penguin? Black and white. The two opposite colors, yin and yang. To have a president that embodies the two opposites of the world would do a lot of good for our country right now, it would enable black and white people to look and say “Hmm. Our president is both black AND white...clearly we can all get along. What an adorably inspiring president, YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!” and then all race relation problems would forever be solved. Nevermore would the question of “Why is it ok for me to like fried chicken?”, or “Why do I enjoy dancing like a flamingo having a seizure?” pass our minds, because we’d understand that, with the grace of our president penguin, all these things are accepted.

Republicans and Democrats would be able to look at this disparity in color schemes and realize that they’re not so different after all. President Penguin just wants what’s best for America, and he’s not gonna let his color contrasts get in his way, therefore neither should the political parties. They’re gonna look at him and say “Hmm. Our president is both black AND white...obviously we’re not so different after all! COME HERE YOU ADORABLE REPUBLICAN YOU”, and then all the bills would pass. All because we’d have a president who represents what happens when two opposites come together: you get cuteness incarnate. 

It's just so damn American. 

With these things in mind, it’s obvious that a penguin would help bring this country together in a way that no human could ever do. If a person could say “Well, I don’t like you, but we live under the same penguin president, so I’ll help you out!”, then I think that’s a giant step forward for this divided country we currently live in. Think about it America.

3. Productivity would be crazy, no more crappy economy guys

Now, the question I know you’re all asking yourselves at this point is “Well, I know that a penguin would tremendously help the US, and you’re probably right that it’d be our best choice right now, but I still have to ask...how would he fix the economy?” I’m gonna goddamn tell you how, just watch this video. I hope you’re ready for this. 

See that? Penguins love their kid so much that they travel, hunt, and travel back in the course of 2 weeks, all to feed their little baby penguin. The penguin who starred in this video in particular! He got bitten and almost eaten by a damn seal, but managed to wit his way out, belly-slide all the way back to the colony, find his little kid, and feed him/her the meal that he worked so hard to get.

That’s basically the embodiment of America right there. We are a nation full of people who work hard every single day, making sacrifices, so that they can come home and have food to feed their children. Even if they get in a car wreck, or almost get eaten by a seal, our people can’t give up; they must endure, for the sake of the future of the country. The lazy among us would look at our magnificent avian president, and realize how selfish they're being through their laziness, and thus would get a job pronto. Because of these parallels in work ethic, it’s no doubt that a penguin is the most American animal in existence, and thus should be elected as our president.

All in all-you know what? I don’t even need to summarize this. With all things considered, you know what you have to do America. It’s our best option. 

Accept your new leader.

ELECT PENGUIN 2016

If you would, please.

If you would please, just for a second, imagine yourself in a concert hall.

Imagine the shuffling of well-groomed shoes as the orchestra members make their way onto stage, filing into line as the chairs become filled. The hall starts to fill up with white noise as the brass players begin to blow warm air into their instruments, preparing themselves for the performance that is to come. Then the percussionists enter, putting themselves behind their respective instruments, their faces full of confidence and purpose. You notice the conductor off to the side of the stage, his eyes closed...praying? Relaxing? It’s hard to tell, but by the next time you blink he walks to the center of the stage and bows. His bow is a practiced one, one that betrays the youthful shine of his meticulously groomed hair. As he turns his back to the audience and raises his conductor’s baton to begin the experience, you start to wonder to yourself...

How did I get here?

Did you even drive to the concert? It’s all kind of cloudy in your head. Trying to find the way you got here is becoming more and more like trying to find a piece of foreign hair inside a jar of peanut butter, because that’s just how paranoid you are (Trust me, it’s there). Maybe someone drove you there, because you certainly don’t own a car, not since the accident.

It was as if an occult hand had picked you up and dropped you into this orchestra performance (which by the way, they’re in the middle of Beethoven's 9th and you are NOT disappointed). You consider getting up and walking out of the concert to figure out exactly where you are, but the stares of the other concert-goers quickly bomb that idea out of your head. The look in their eyes gives you feelings of alienation and anxiety...why is there so much hate? Upon looking around, you realize that these stares are shared by everyone else in the room, and immediately you become very self-conscious. Your hands start shaking enough to generate heat to warm a small family of anthropomorphic mice for the winter. Your sweat glands become more productive than a college student during the four hours before an exam. Is this an anxiety attack? No, you recognize these feelings...you’ve been in this situation before.

As your breathing catches up to your sympathetic nervous system, you manage to take control of your body. You slow your breathing down and manage to control the loud shaking of your hands, and as this process happens, you slowly start to put the pieces together:

1. You have no recollection of arriving at this concert.
2. The other concert goers share a large amount of contempt for your presence.
3. Despite everything, you highly enjoy the music being played.

And then all the memories come rushing back to you as you realize what happened...you look down to examine yourself, and find that you’re wearing a Stravinsky shirt. At a concert featuring the works of Beethoven.

Furthermore, you don’t remember getting into this situation because you had gotten mugged and given a dose of Rohypnol by a gang of music composition majors, up to no good. Their plan was to ambush you, drug you, dress you in Stravinsky attire, and drop you off in a Beethoven concert, in order to put you in the most uncomfortable situation possible.

Those bitch sacks.