This morning
as I was sipping on my cup of special-imported diet Dr. Pepper, I was watching
a video of two youtubers playing through Resident Evil 2. I wasn’t necessarily interested
in the game itself, but rather in the professional commentary of the two guys
playing the game. If you haven’t heard of them, their names are Matt and Pat,
and they own a youtube gaming show called “Two Best Friends Play”, where they
basically just play games and talk about educated matters. It’s nice to watch
when you want something that’s entertaining, but also makes you think really
hard.
Anyway, so as
they were playing through Resident Evil 2, they started talking about an old,
yet classic and revolutionary survival horror game: System Shock 2. This game
was the spiritual predecessor of Bioshock, one of the most well-regarded games
of this generation, blah blah blah. None of that matters. What matters, is that
Matt started imitating the villain in System Shock 2 (a rogue AI named Shodan)
like she was built by 1990s gangster rappers, which was the best idea I’d ever
heard. Like they say in the video (around 5:03), “Dr Dre and Snoop dog present: System Shock
3” needs to be a thing.
BORING EXPOSITION
ASIDE, that got me thinking about what other very necessary artist/product
crossovers need to happen. If Dr Dre and Snoop Dog get to hypothetically make the
next System Shock game, what other collaborations need to happen? The results
are scary.
“Presenting:
Tyler Perry’s The Legend of Zelda: How I learned to be a Hero (of time) again”
Sample
Dialogue:
[LINK enters wearing a sassy look, up-beat
gospel riff plays]
LINK: Hey Ganondorf! Look pal, I know you have
that Triforce of Power right behind you, so if you could just give it to me?
That’d be cool.
GANONDORF: Man are you crazy?! This thing’s
amazing! It gets me in bed with Zelda 3 times a week, you know you just
jealous.
[LAUGH TRACK]
LINK: First of all, I know you’re lying. Second,
have you seen the state of affairs that Hyrule’s in? It’s horrible! You have no
idea what you’re doing.
GANONDORF: Why so uptight? I just wanted to
have a little fun, geez. No need to get on my back about everything. Besides, I
don’t see any Triforces of Power in YOUR position, hmm?
LINK: That’s because you stole yours from me.
[LAUGH TRACK]
[KING OF HYRULE enters wearing suspenders]
KING: grumblegrumblemrrmmrmmmfffBOY?
[MORE LAUGH TRACK]
LINK: Oh h-hey King! Ganondorf and I were just-
KING: NOW I KNOW y’all ain’t fightin’ over that
there piece of Triforce ya dig?
GANONDORF: No of course not! King, Boss, Pops…Link
and I were just having a friendly conversation about Hyrule!
LINK: Yeah! We weren’t fighting or nothing, I
promise!
KING: I know y’all ain’t lyin’ to me, cause if
you are then I’ll slap ya upside yo head faster than mmmfffgrumblegrumbleBOY YA
HEAR?
LINK & GANONDORF: Yes sir!
[KING OF HYRULE exits, waddling away]
LINK: Hey Ganondorf, I’m sorry about earlier,
you’re doing a great job with the kingdom.
GANONDORF: Nah man, I was out of line. We’ll
work together on this, sound good?
LINK: Sounds good to me!
[They shake hands, studio audience cheers and
applauds]
[Cut to PRINCESS ZELDA in her room, KING OF
HYRULE yells off screen]
KING: ZELDA! WHERE IS MY KING ROBE?
ZELDA: It’s under your bed dad!
[Zelda smiles and rolls her eyes, LAUGH TRACK
and CHEERING ensues, roll credits]
END
“Jim Carrey
guest stars as Fredrick Bolt in, The Expendables 3!”
[General violence and mayhem happening, an
unreasonable number of guns are being shot]
STALLONE: We ain’t gunna win! They got too many
guns and we don’t got enough!
STATHAM: They can’t win…we have all the muscle
on our side. That, and we have him.
STALLONE: You ain’t talkin’ about Bolt are you?
STATHAM: You’re damn right I am. Call him in.
[JIM CARREY drops in from the sky with a
parachute]
CARREY: WOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO! Hey guys, did
someone call for some…BOLT ACTION?
[CARREY strikes a pose reminiscent of JESUS
CHRIST as he lands with his parachute, he doesn’t stop posing once he lands]
STALLONE: Ey Bolt, stop goofin around! We got
too many men, limited bullets, and limited time!
STATHAM: Shut up, Bolt’s got this down. Right?
CARREY: Yeah, cheer up old buddy old pal! I’m
gonna whp out my special crossbow guns, and before you know it we’re gonna walk
outta gere just as bee-e-a-uuuuuuutiful as before! Though we might need some
plastic surgeons to make that happen for you Stallone [CARREY messes with
STALLONE’S face, pulling on his nose and lightly slapping his cheeks], am I
right?!
[STALLONE takes the abuse, and gives a wary
look to STATHAM]
STALLONE: Yeah, whatever man. Just do it
already, they’re still shootin at us.
[BULLETS have been flying the entire time, they
never run out]
CARREY: Riiiiiight-y-o! [CARREY pulls out two
hand-held crossbow guns seemingly out of nowhere, and begins spinning them in a
flashy manner, until finally ending with them pointed at the non-specific
enemy, with CARREY casually leaning on a box]
CARREY: A-watch and learn, fellas.
[All off-screen enemies die, credits, roll]
END
“A special
episode of AMC’s Breaking Bad will air this week, guest-written by a manga
fan-fiction writer!”
[JESSE PINKMAN enters the RV with WALTER WHITE
inside]
JESSE: Walter-senpai! The DEA are at my house,
and my waifu is in danger! Kyaaa!
WALTER: Calm down Jesse-kun, we’re going to be
fine. All we need is some bad meth!
[SWEATDROP rolls down JESSE’S face]
JESSE: W-why do we need bad meth? Where would
we get such a thing?
WALTER: Oh, Jesse-kun. You are very naïve. We
will use the bad meth to throw them off our trail! And then they will not
bother us!
JESSE: Walter-senpai, you are genius! I love
you.
Walter: Not here Jesse-kun…
END
