Sometimes.
Sometimes you
find yourself at home, by yourself, on a Friday night for what’s probably the
10th weekend in a row-you lost count a while ago. You don’t know
what to do with yourself, because your options are limited to either video
games and Netflix, or meaningless social outings that never do anything for you.
The days are long and seemingly endless, because they’re all spent wallowing in
inactivity. Any friends you once had have all left by now; they’ve made new
friends, built new lives, and appear to be much better at handling things than
you are. ”How do they do it? Why can’t I do that? Why is it so hard for me to
be happy? “These thoughts have become akin to roommates by now, they never
leave you alone. On a good day, you’re able to get 2, maybe 3 hours of peace
from them…but they always return stronger than ever.
Oh, and the
nights? Forget about them. They’re not nights anymore, because nights are meant
for peaceful sleeping and relaxation. As of lately, your rest hours have only
been filled with fear and anxiety about the future to come, and sleep is no
friend to you. No dreams privilege you with their presence, but if they do,
they’re not dreams but relentless nightmares, whose only intent is to torture
you and remind you about all the thoughts and ideas that bring you down during
the day. When you wake up (if you ever slept at all), you’re not relaxed. You’re
not at peace, and you’re not refreshed. All you can do is lay in fear of the
day to come, wondering if it will-no, if it can
be any different. Sometimes…you just want it all to stop. You want it all to
give you a damn break for once.
But, at other
times…
At other
times, you find yourself at home on a particularly sunny afternoon. It’s a
beautiful day, and you’re listening to one of your favorite songs. Your pet is
cuddled up next to you looking as cute as ever, as if they know everything you’ve
been through. You get up and go to your computer, but things are different this
time…you check out your facebook, and you don’t get that jealous pit of anger
and bitterness in your stomach for once, as you glaze over all the
accomplishments that your friends put on there. You go over to youtube and
decide to watch a music video about dinosaurs having a laser fight in space,with robots and sharks. Even though the song is nonsensical and on another you
day you might scoff at it…you find a smile on your face this time. Lunch today
consists not of hot pockets, but some nice sushi that a friend invited you to
out of the blue. Things are looking up today, and for once, you don’t question
how long it’ll last. This time, you allow yourself to simply enjoy it.
Sometimes, we
have these days. These are the days where things don’t look quite as bleak as
they normally do. These are the days when you get a random compliment, and
instead of brushing it off with a cynical scowl, you accept it, and the
confidence it gives you allows you to rebuild and restore what’s left of yours.
Sometimes, we
find ourselves in these ruts. Some of our ruts are deeper than others. However,
it’s days like these that help is see a way out. All you need is that little
bit of confidence that your friend unknowingly gave you at lunch that day, and
suddenly you find the strength you need to start climbing your way out. Day by
day the strength piles up, and you’re getting stronger and stronger, until
finally, you pull yourself out! As you lay there on the fresh grass, taking in
the sights and sounds that you can see for your own eyes now that you’re out of
your rut, you’re able to see just how amazing the world can be.
But the best
part? The best part is that you did it yourself. It was your own strength, not
anyone else’s, that pulled you out of the despair and hopelessness that you
were writhing in for so long.
Sometimes,
all we need is that little bit of hope. As long as we’re ready, that hope can
help you pull yourself out of whatever situation you might be in. It might be
the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but once you wake up and realize that you’re
finally happy by your own hands…you’ll know that it was worth it, and nothing
else you encounter will be able to take you down.
I hope all of
you are doing well.
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