I have a dream.

Let us reflect on the state of domestic pet-ownership in the current day and age.

As it is, cats have all the traits of the perfect human companion: an attractive, mostly self-sufficient being who only really depends on you to give them food/water and clean their excrement basket. Apart from that last thing, who wouldn’t want that kind of control over someone? At our most base instincts, we have an innate desire to have control over something or someone other than ourselves, and even though you can’t control if a cat comes to you or not, you sure as hell can control whether they eat today or not. (Disclaimer: I do NOT endorse withholding food from your cat/pet to exert some sort of need for power on it. What are you, some sort of  power-wanter person? Dick.)

Now, take that ballooned sense of control and apply it to a platypus. You think a platypus gives a shit about your power? Platypus spits at your power (if they could spit I swear they would)! Platypus’ (platypi?) are 100% self-sufficient, and wouldn’t have survived in nature as long as they have if they weren’t so none of you biology majors try to prove me wrong (I looked it up on wikipedia, IT’S RIGHT GUYS). Now, there’s a reason us bi-pedals haven’t quite gotten the hang of domesticating a platypus, and that’s maybe probably only partly due to the sharp, poisonous barbs they secretly have. It’s like a puppy that could secretly shank you whenever it wants, just because it can. You think you can control that? Good luck getting ghetto-stabbed by a furry duck. 

Cold. Calculating. Deadly.

Obviously what you’ve all been thinking is, “I want a platypus...but I also want a cat...TREVOR MY LIFE MAKES NO SENSE PLEASE HELP!”, to which I say, fear not rhetorical pet-lover! I alone understand that platypus’ and cats must be combined into one creature.  I understand the need for a creature of this evolutionary-calibur, and that despite the fact that it’s combination of poisonus barbs and sharp claws would probably make it viable to over-take lions as “best predator forever”, this creature would make an amazing companion. Little children would marvel at it’s awkward duck bill and furry feline good-looks, and adults will be pleased with the fact that they won’t need to entertain their children for at least a week. In response to everyone fearing that this biological disaster marvel won’t happen, fear not! For I, your local blogger, will donate the total amount of money I make in the next 2 years to research trying to find an ethical, practical way to physically combine a platypus and a cat into a catypus. If at least 3 and a half people join me in this endeavor, I believe a difference can be made.

"In a perfect world, this great nation's mascot would definitely be a catypus."

-George Washington

The nation demands it science. Make it so. 

Erik Erikson's Stages of Video Games, Part 2

LAST TIME, ON: THIS BLOG!

In case of short term memory loss or cases of episodic amnesia, in my last blog I journeyed through the swamps of my childhood to talk about the super serious topic of video games, and how they affected my childhood...or something like that. Using Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development, I broke my childhood into chunks and defined an inner conflict within each phase, using the stages of development as an outline. If psychology, video games, and sprinkles of humor are things that activate your console, then read on friend! If not, then I advise you to politely participate in intercourse with yourself.

Stage Four: Industry v.s. Inferiority (Gamecube, 10-14 years)

When the Gamecube came out in 2001, I was more than ready as a gamer pupae to sink my tiny pupae teeth into what games came with it, the grandest of them all being Super Mario Sunshine. Awwwwww shit, son. This game had graphics for days, with my very own water shooting backpack partner, just like in my greatest sexual fantasy. Add in a bunch of aerial flips and twists, some Bowser Jr. ass-kicking action, subtract a realistic storyline, and it was perfect. What more could a kid ask for?

Nothing unusual to see here.

...wait, a new Super Smash Bros game? You’re...you’re yanking my shit, right?! New controls? New maps? New game modes? NEW CHARACTERS?! Surely this, was the end of the world right here. The fact that I got to play as Bowser himself, at his most badass, just sent my little pupae mind into a roaring, flaming spin-crash that only the best of NASCAR drivers could even hope to replicate. It was unfair to my poor brain, like pitting a diamond-skinned grizzly bear-breathing dragon against a 10 year old child whose skin was made of pillows...and it was great.

But that wasn’t enough! No, not by a long shot! With these two behemoth-calibur games came a vast multitude of other games that interested my just as much, if not more. Soul Calibur 2, Super Mario Tennis, Pokemon Colosseum/XD, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, Sonic Adventure 2: Battle, and more. And I had to be good at all of them. Unreasonable? Maybe. But to a 10-14 year old kid, priorities are like the news: you vaguely know about it, but you don’t really care enough yet to pay attention.

So it wasn’t enough to simply play these games. I had to be the best at them, out of all my friends I alone had to be the one. I worked hard at it. Many night filled with Super Smash Meleeing, or Mario Tennis-ing with my brother, many 80s training montages happened in that part of my life, and they all paid off. I ALONE won at Mario Tennis. I alone beat Wind Waker. I alone was “really cheap, dude” with Fox in Melee. My dominance was established, and I was a winner. 

Image not related.

So did I succeed in this stage of development? Damn right I did. No one else could...it had to be me.

Stage Four: Identity v.s. Role Confusion (Gamecube/Wii, 14-19 years)

At this point in my life, I had three great video game loves: gamecube games, nintendo DS games, and of course, the wii. When the wii came out in 2007, honestly I wasn’t really that excited about it. Sure, I finally got guitar hero for my own, instead of sneaking into my friend’s house at night to play “Killer Queen” while they were asleep. Yeah, eventually we got the new Legend of Zelda game, which was pretty cool for a while. The main thing that I was excited for was (surprise) the new super smash bros game. Even that though, all it really offered me in terms of new stuff was new characters. So what motivation did I have to be the best at a console that didn’t have games I really liked that much?

Well in short, there wasn’t. I had become confused as to what type of gamer I was-did I like beat-em up games (super smash bros)? Did I like strategy/turn taking games (pokemon)? Was I a master of adventure games (legend of zelda/metroid)? I had no idea, because all I knew is that I’d have, at the very least, 10-15 years before “Wii Sports” became an acceptable thing for me to enjoy. No, I had to be edgy with my gaming, and I didn’t know how. I needed something to be competitive with, and all I had was super smash bros. 

Please...violence...need...no more family games...

It’s no falsehood that after the first 2 or so years after the Wii’s release, games for it started...sucking. I mean, for a family-oriented console, it was great, of course. But for a person who wanted to be a serious gamer at the time, like myself, I noticed it was distinctly lacking in explode-y things. Sure, mario kart wii came out, and so did Skyward Sword; but it was too to apologize, Nintendo. So I had to ask myself a very important question: am I still the nintendo fanatic I was? And more importantly, did I want to keep throwing all my support to a console whose games lacked communal interest? I needed to think. In case it needed to be said, I failed this stage-my gaming identity was lost.

Stage Five: Intimacy v.s. Isolation (Xbox 360/Wii, 19-present)

One pre-determined day, my best friend decided he wanted to sell his Xbox 360 for $50, along with Black Ops and Portal 2. Now, I didn’t know much about either of these games, other than that everyone thought they were great, exciting games. At the time, I still regarded xbox games with the same scrutiny that a Pepsi-lover would look at Coca-cola: I didn’t like them very much. I thought that multi-player first person shooter games were what’s wrong with gaming today. that immersive, in-depth single player storylines were the best way to game. Now egocentrism aside (my opinion is what matters, blah blah blah), I still wanted to play these games, because they were different than what I had been playing. So, I bought the xbox from my friend, and went to play black ops that night.

If you can search youtube for the worst black ops gameplay video you can find, where the guy playing just has no idea what he’s doing and makes ALL the mistakes, then my first time playing the game was much like that, except subtract any and all good things I did while playing. Pretty much the best thing I had down was moving my character, even though he would stop moving after about 5 seconds due to an excess of bullets in his body. I soon discovered, through many, many other deaths, that this was the challenge I needed: the first-person shooter challenge. I had found my gaming destination, and in accordance I went and bought halo 3, borderlands 2, Skyrim, Oblivion, Bioshock, Bioshock 2, and others. Bioshock in particular blew me away, because it presented me with the challenge of a first person shooter, but with the immersive storyline that I thought these games couldn’t have. I was immensely satisfied with these games, but more importantly, these were games I could talk to people my age about.

"You shoot people in the head? I too, shoot people in the head."

I was able to share my experiences with these games with most people I knew, because they had played them before me. “What you’re just now playing bioshock? Well, better late than never. Isn’t it awesome?!” were many of the responses I got, and I was actually able to go on forums and gaming websites and read what people thought about these games. Even though I didn’t think about it at the time, this was a very good thing for me, more things to talk about increased the amount of people I could relate to, which sounds obvious, because it is. This is always a good thing, no matter what it is that increased your social range, so in summation, I had passed the fifth stage of development! Wheee.

So what’s the point of this? Well, video games are often thought of as a waste of time; a lifetime of playing video games will prepare you for a life of playing video games. This is true, absolutely. Video games are entertainment, pure and simple. However, the point made with this is that video games can serve a much bigger purpose: they bring people together. If anyone plays video games for the sole purpose of entertaining themselves during the long, dull hours of their life, then they’re not gaming right; they’re meant to be shared with people. Whether talking about games, or preferably playing games with other people, video games can and should be a social activity. Because for some reason, watching Batman single-handedly Bat-fuck 15 enemies just isn’t as great without your best friend screaming at the screen right next to you. No matter how perfectly you beat the final boss of a game, that’s the kind of thing you remember.

Image unrelated. Seriously, does this guy look like he's playing video games? No.