So you're a Superbowl

Apparently the Super Bowl's on Sunday, which I didn’t really know untill about three days ago. I don’t know who’s playing who, but I’m sure the commercials will be entertaining? Every year I always try to make an effort to watch the commercials, but I honestly just can’t stay focused. American advertising is about as convincing as a clown scientist anyway, which I already know, but I always like to give the benefit of the doubt and assume they put out better stuff each year. Which they don’t!

But commercials and crushing disappointment aside, I hope the teams make lots of touchdowns and please their respective homelands and stuff, and if no one was killed, that’d be pretty cool too. I figured that in the spirit of football (I didn’t even know those words were in my vocabulary!), I’d explain football to various interest groups who normally wouldn’t know what football is. It seems like it should be our American duty to expose football to those less fortunate, right? Should be fun! Also, if the content of this article doesn’t please or humor you, you can always 1) punch a porcupine, or 2) Let me know! ONWARD STALLIONS

Toddlers:

So you’re 4 years old! You know when your dad ignores you for hours at a time because he’s sitting in front of the flashy screen? When he does that, he’s watching football! You see, in order to play football, you have to be big and strong, but it’s different than the big and strong your parents tell you you’ll be when they try to get you to eat vegetables. No, to get this big and strong, you have to inhale LOTS of meat and LOTS of steroids! What are steroids you ask?

Steroids are special, magical things you can inject into your body to rapidly make you big and strong! Usually, you have to inject them using a shot, which-yeah, ok, I get it, you don’t like shots. Please stop crying. Seriously, I’m not your parents, I don’t know what the hell to do. Go fetch? Shit. Uhhh...candy! Ok, now we can continue. 

Finding this image may have put me on several lists.

So anyway, in football, the teams try to get a ball to their side of the field, and if they do  so without the other team stopping them, they get a touchdown! Whooooo touchdown YEAH What? You want me to stop yelling so you can play with your legos? Yeah ok, sorry for trying to teach you. By the way, leaving those legos out on the floor at night makes dad really happy!

Aliens:

So you’re from the Saturn’s sixth moon, Enceladus! Welcome to Earth, I hope you enjoy your stay and that you enjoy many of our entertainment offers, including FOOTBALL AWW YEAH! What’s football you ask?

Well first off, please observe my fleshy form, if you will. If you can believe it, I am not the biggest or well-defined individual of my species. Hard to swallow, I know, but it’s true. Human males who are much bigger and have much more muscles than I do all join various factions and, for months at a time, do their best to get a ball from one side of a field to another. They stop the other team from doing so by throwing their bodies into the each other, and sometimes injuries happen, but our species can’t get enough of it!

Why? Well I don’t know, we all like to align ourselves with the various teams and pretend that we’re part of something bigger than we are or something like that, don’t judge us. I doubt what you do on your planet for entertainment is much better...you write philosophical books and create new planets for those who have none? Aren’t you special. Let us tackle each other and throw a ball around, you go back to your saving each other crap ok? Klaatu barada nikto, bitch.

Penguins

So you’re a penguin! Yes you are! WHO’S A WITTLE PENGUIN WITH WITTLE FEETS AND WINGS? YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! 

There's never a bad time to talk about penguins.

What’s that? You wanna know what us humans like to do the most? Well the answer to that, little buddy who's now my best friend, is a big thing called football. We take some of our biggest, scariest guys and pit them against each other in a game of brutality, honor, and possibly repressed-homosexuality (depending on who you ask). They take a ball roughly the size of your baby chick, and throw it at each other and try to get it to the other side of the field the most times! It’s a journey from one side of the field to the other, kind of like when you travel for 2 weeks to retrieve food for your baby! Except, well, our players are really well fed and don’t have to worry about them or their kids starving to death...but the long journey part is still the same! Kinda!

Europeans

AMERICA BITCH! Oh I’m sorry, what’s that? You DO have football? No you don’t. Haha. I’m sure you all are so happy and content with your little round-ball-ass, kicking-only football, but over in America (where we have real men), we like to plow into each other, like actual men did in the 40s.

I actually feel sorry for all of you on the other side of the lake, I really do. You’ll never really get what it’s like to eat a hotdog that’s the size of your forearm as you watch a man that may or may not be able to pass for a laboratory experiment throw a ball across the distance of two school buses. You can make all the scientific advances all you want, but that will always be a purely American feeling! NUMBER ONE COUNTRY YOU BUNCH OF BETAS WHOOOOOO MERCA

Sorry that you can't take the immense lack of size our government has.