Album review time!

Misery Signals- “Absent Light”

“But the gaslights all burned out, you left me here to walk along a burial ground. I don’t blame you…we all give up eventually.”

“Absent Light” is the fourth studio album by Misery Signals, a band which is no stranger to most metal enthusiasts. Though if they were then it’d be somewhat understandable, since the band took somewhere near five years to release this record, their last record, “Controller”, having been finished in 2008. That album was very well received by the general music community, it more or less perfected the “Misery Signals sound” of crushing riffs and occasional breakdowns, along with bright chords and beautiful melodies. Add the occasional odd time signature, the rare poly-rhythmic section and some noteworthy lyrics, and the listener is left with some of the most rewarding heavy music being made these days.

The question is: what can we expect from Absent Light? Well, if “Controller” is akin to “Batman Begins”, then “Absent Light” is it’s “The Dark Knight”.

Everything in this record is stepped up and force-fed protein shakes in comparison to what they were five years ago. The riffs are heavier, the lyrics are more poignant, the odd time signatures are weirder, and the beauty is…well, gorgeous. This is a gorgeously heavy album, almost comparable to watching a good drama film. Beauty in this album is almost always accompanied by darkness; for example, the song “Carrier” opens with pretty guitar chords and a breakdown accompanied by what sounds like light keyboard chords in the background, thus offering a sense of near-peace. However, the song devolves into chaos as the chords become darker and the lyrics more and more sinister:

“Never again will she hear the raindrops fall against the glass and not feel a chill. Transported to the night it all changed, and the sound of her door being forced open…she awoke to the panic.”

This is the album’s greatest strength. Misery Signals have become very adept at balancing beauty and darkness with this album, and it makes for a very rewarding listening experience. In fact the album closer (“Everything Will Rust”) is incredibly powerful, as the use of vocalist Karl Schubach’s clean singing adds a very beautiful dimension to the song.

Speaking of individual contributions, it’d be a crime to go an entire review without giving major credit to drummer Branden Morgan; while his performance on “Controller” wasn’t lacking, “Absent Light” shows off just how much benefit five years of practice can be, as he shows a proficiency of his instrument right up there with genre stars such as Matt Halpern (Periphery) and Matt Greiner (August Burns Red). Branden brings most of the technical prowess to the ensemble; nothing that either of the guitarists or the bassist do is particularly impressive technically speaking. Though, it is impressive from a compositional stand point- every riff has a purpose, and it’s clear that nothing on this album went particularly un-planned.

The only real complaints with the record are that Schubach’s vocals are more or less still the monotone screaming/occasional death growls from “Controller”, which was one of the main complaints with that album. The only varations in harsh vocals we get are the contributions of Matthew Mixon on “Carrier” (from 7 Horns 7 Plagues), Todd Mackey on “Lost Relics” (from With Honor” and Fredua Boakye on “Everything Will Rust” (from Bad Rabbit). In addition, some might lament the relative lack of clarity in the production; seeing as “Controller” was produced by none other than the masterful Devin Townsend, “Absent Light” may feel a little low budget in comparison. However both of these issues are rather nitpicky, and definitely don’t detract from the experience of the album as a whole (depending on how critical the listener chooses to be).

“Absent Light” is, as a whole, a powerhouse of an album. It masterfully meshes beauty with dark tragedy, and never leaves the listener wanting for anything. From the desperate-sounding opening provided by “Glimmer of Hope” to the oppressive closer of “Everything Will Rust”, and all the standout tracks in-between (“Carrier”, “Lost Relics”, and “Shallows” just to name a few), “Absent light” has proved that Misery Signals are completely capable of consistent excellence. They represent everything that is refreshing and impressive in today’s metal scene, and have given us a glimmer of hope for continued improvement and excellence in heavy music.  

Just some scribble scrabble

Sometimes.

Sometimes you find yourself at home, by yourself, on a Friday night for what’s probably the 10^th weekend in a row-you lost count a while ago. You don’t know what to do with yourself, because your options are limited to either video games and Netflix, or meaningless social outings that never do anything for you. The days are long and seemingly endless, because they’re all spent wallowing in inactivity. Any friends you once had have all left by now; they’ve made new friends, built new lives, and appear to be much better at handling things than you are. ”How do they do it? Why can’t I do that? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? “These thoughts have become akin to roommates by now, they never leave you alone. On a good day, you’re able to get 2, maybe 3 hours of peace from them…but they always return stronger than ever.

Oh, and the nights? Forget about them. They’re not nights anymore, because nights are meant for peaceful sleeping and relaxation. As of lately, your rest hours have only been filled with fear and anxiety about the future to come, and sleep is no friend to you. No dreams privilege you with their presence, but if they do, they’re not dreams but relentless nightmares, whose only intent is to torture you and remind you about all the thoughts and ideas that bring you down during the day. When you wake up (if you ever slept at all), you’re not relaxed. You’re not at peace, and you’re not refreshed. All you can do is lay in fear of the day to come, wondering if it will-no, if it can be any different. Sometimes…you just want it all to stop. You want it all to give you a damn break for once.

But, at other times…

At other times, you find yourself at home on a particularly sunny afternoon. It’s a beautiful day, and you’re listening to one of your favorite songs. Your pet is cuddled up next to you looking as cute as ever, as if they know everything you’ve been through. You get up and go to your computer, but things are different this time…you check out your facebook, and you don’t get that jealous pit of anger and bitterness in your stomach for once, as you glaze over all the accomplishments that your friends put on there. You go over to youtube and decide to watch a music video about dinosaurs having a laser fight in space,with robots and sharks. Even though the song is nonsensical and on another you day you might scoff at it…you find a smile on your face this time. Lunch today consists not of hot pockets, but some nice sushi that a friend invited you to out of the blue. Things are looking up today, and for once, you don’t question how long it’ll last. This time, you allow yourself to simply enjoy it.

Sometimes, we have these days. These are the days where things don’t look quite as bleak as they normally do. These are the days when you get a random compliment, and instead of brushing it off with a cynical scowl, you accept it, and the confidence it gives you allows you to rebuild and restore what’s left of yours.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in these ruts. Some of our ruts are deeper than others. However, it’s days like these that help is see a way out. All you need is that little bit of confidence that your friend unknowingly gave you at lunch that day, and suddenly you find the strength you need to start climbing your way out. Day by day the strength piles up, and you’re getting stronger and stronger, until finally, you pull yourself out! As you lay there on the fresh grass, taking in the sights and sounds that you can see for your own eyes now that you’re out of your rut, you’re able to see just how amazing the world can be.

But the best part? The best part is that you did it yourself. It was your own strength, not anyone else’s, that pulled you out of the despair and hopelessness that you were writhing in for so long.

Sometimes, all we need is that little bit of hope. As long as we’re ready, that hope can help you pull yourself out of whatever situation you might be in. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but once you wake up and realize that you’re finally happy by your own hands…you’ll know that it was worth it, and nothing else you encounter will be able to take you down.

I hope all of you are doing well. 

Source

Things that have to happen

This morning as I was sipping on my cup of special-imported diet Dr. Pepper, I was watching a video of two youtubers playing through Resident Evil 2. I wasn’t necessarily interested in the game itself, but rather in the professional commentary of the two guys playing the game. If you haven’t heard of them, their names are Matt and Pat, and they own a youtube gaming show called “Two Best Friends Play”, where they basically just play games and talk about educated matters. It’s nice to watch when you want something that’s entertaining, but also makes you think really hard.

Anyway, so as they were playing through Resident Evil 2, they started talking about an old, yet classic and revolutionary survival horror game: System Shock 2. This game was the spiritual predecessor of Bioshock, one of the most well-regarded games of this generation, blah blah blah. None of that matters. What matters, is that Matt started imitating the villain in System Shock 2 (a rogue AI named Shodan) like she was built by 1990s gangster rappers, which was the best idea I’d ever heard. Like they say in the video (around 5:03), “Dr Dre and Snoop dog present: System Shock 3” needs to be a thing. 

BORING EXPOSITION ASIDE, that got me thinking about what other very necessary artist/product crossovers need to happen. If Dr Dre and Snoop Dog get to hypothetically make the next System Shock game, what other collaborations need to happen? The results are scary.

“Presenting: Tyler Perry’s The Legend of Zelda: How I learned to be a Hero (of time) again”  

Sample Dialogue:

[LINK enters wearing a sassy look, up-beat gospel riff plays]

LINK: Hey Ganondorf! Look pal, I know you have that Triforce of Power right behind you, so if you could just give it to me? That’d be cool.

GANONDORF: Man are you crazy?! This thing’s amazing! It gets me in bed with Zelda 3 times a week, you know you just jealous.

[LAUGH TRACK]

LINK: First of all, I know you’re lying. Second, have you seen the state of affairs that Hyrule’s in? It’s horrible! You have no idea what you’re doing.

GANONDORF: Why so uptight? I just wanted to have a little fun, geez. No need to get on my back about everything. Besides, I don’t see any Triforces of Power in YOUR position, hmm?

LINK: That’s because you stole yours from me.

[LAUGH TRACK]

[KING OF HYRULE enters wearing suspenders]

KING: grumblegrumblemrrmmrmmmfffBOY?

[MORE LAUGH TRACK]

LINK: Oh h-hey King! Ganondorf and I were just-

KING: NOW I KNOW y’all ain’t fightin’ over that there piece of Triforce ya dig?

GANONDORF: No of course not! King, Boss, Pops…Link and I were just having a friendly conversation about Hyrule!

LINK: Yeah! We weren’t fighting or nothing, I promise!

KING: I know y’all ain’t lyin’ to me, cause if you are then I’ll slap ya upside yo head faster than mmmfffgrumblegrumbleBOY YA HEAR?

LINK & GANONDORF: Yes sir!

[KING OF HYRULE exits, waddling away]

LINK: Hey Ganondorf, I’m sorry about earlier, you’re doing a great job with the kingdom.

GANONDORF: Nah man, I was out of line. We’ll work together on this, sound good?

LINK: Sounds good to me!

[They shake hands, studio audience cheers and applauds]

[Cut to PRINCESS ZELDA in her room, KING OF HYRULE yells off screen]

KING: ZELDA! WHERE IS MY KING ROBE?

ZELDA: It’s under your bed dad!

[Zelda smiles and rolls her eyes, LAUGH TRACK and CHEERING ensues, roll credits] 

END

“Jim Carrey guest stars as Fredrick Bolt in, The Expendables 3!”

[General violence and mayhem happening, an unreasonable number of guns are being shot]

STALLONE: We ain’t gunna win! They got too many guns and we don’t got enough!

STATHAM: They can’t win…we have all the muscle on our side. That, and we have him.

STALLONE: You ain’t talkin’ about Bolt are you?

STATHAM: You’re damn right I am. Call him in.

[JIM CARREY drops in from the sky with a parachute]

CARREY: WOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO! Hey guys, did someone call for some…BOLT ACTION? 

[CARREY strikes a pose reminiscent of JESUS CHRIST as he lands with his parachute, he doesn’t stop posing once he lands]

STALLONE: Ey Bolt, stop goofin around! We got too many men, limited bullets, and limited time!

STATHAM: Shut up, Bolt’s got this down. Right?

CARREY: Yeah, cheer up old buddy old pal! I’m gonna whp out my special crossbow guns, and before you know it we’re gonna walk outta gere just as bee-e-a-uuuuuuutiful as before! Though we might need some plastic surgeons to make that happen for you Stallone [CARREY messes with STALLONE’S face, pulling on his nose and lightly slapping his cheeks], am I right?!

[STALLONE takes the abuse, and gives a wary look to STATHAM]

STALLONE: Yeah, whatever man. Just do it already, they’re still shootin at us.

[BULLETS have been flying the entire time, they never run out]

CARREY: Riiiiiight-y-o! [CARREY pulls out two hand-held crossbow guns seemingly out of nowhere, and begins spinning them in a flashy manner, until finally ending with them pointed at the non-specific enemy, with CARREY casually leaning on a box]

CARREY: A-watch and learn, fellas.

[All off-screen enemies die, credits, roll]

END

“A special episode of AMC’s Breaking Bad will air this week, guest-written by a manga fan-fiction writer!”

[JESSE PINKMAN enters the RV with WALTER WHITE inside]

JESSE: Walter-senpai! The DEA are at my house, and my waifu is in danger! Kyaaa!

WALTER: Calm down Jesse-kun, we’re going to be fine. All we need is some bad meth!

[SWEATDROP rolls down JESSE’S face]

JESSE: W-why do we need bad meth? Where would we get such a thing?

WALTER: Oh, Jesse-kun. You are very naïve. We will use the bad meth to throw them off our trail! And then they will not bother us!

JESSE: Walter-senpai, you are genius! I love you. 

Walter: Not here Jesse-kun… 

END

It's mah sex box, n' her name is Sony!

In the past week, there’s been an eruption of news in the gaming world, what with E3 happening. New information about next-gen consoles has been released, launch titles have been announced, new titles and IPs have been shared, and most importantly, a guy dressed up in the creepiest Parappa the rapper costume to ever exist was a thing. Essentially, all is relatively well in video-game world. Yay we’re all going to be broke soon!

It might be hard to see, but the creepy is there.

However in the midst of all this buzzing, one piece of technology has been overlooked I feel: The Occulus Rift. This beautiful Daft Punk-esque headset had everyone vomiting smiles when it was announced, because it essentially meant that we’re now at the point where virtual reality can be a thing. Someone can put on the Occulus Rift and be transported fully to the video game world, fully immersing them in the environment and the game itself. Imagine putting on the Occulus Rift helmet and instantly being transported to Skyrim! Gorgeous snow-capped mountains, evergreen forests with tiny rabbits bouncing around, and realistic dragons breathing fire right in your face-you could actually BECOME the dragonborn! This is inevitably where gaming was going; even though Nintendo’s own Occulus Rift, the “Virtual Boy”, failed in 1995, gamers could look at it and know that it was possible! It told people that virtual reality will eventually come to gaming. Well here it is, and what do we do with it?

Porn, of course!

Well, not full-on porn, but essentially yes, porn. Developers Sinful Robot have announced a “game” for Occulus Rift titled “Wicked Paradise”. Described as an “erotic adventure” by the developers, the game has you essentially talking to and, with skill (?)/luck, seducing her, all within the virtual reality the Occulus Rift provides. Essentially, you can pick up a woman without actually picking up a woman. Great news for us socially-inept, neck-bearded, acne-ridden video game players, right? Thank you so much Sinful Robot! You are the true wing-man of gamers everywhere.

Me, right now. All the time.

I MEAN I really don’t know how I feel about this. I know it’s not meant to be taken seriously, and that it’s just supposed to be fun and everything, but I guess I’m just afraid that this is what the Occulus Rift will turn into: a virtual porn machine. Even worse, it mentions nothing about being able to play as a girl where you attempt to pick up guys (or pick up girls as a girl, or pick up guys as a guy for that matter), thus worsening the outside perception of the boys-only club that is gaming.

Now I’m not saying that this game will single-handedly ruin everything for anyone, and I honestly don’t expect it to sell at all considering the virtual non-existence of porn/sex-based games in the past. But if it turns into a step in that direction, and the Occulus Rift is famous for that game solely (I haven’t heard of any other games being developed for it at the moment, besides a port of Team Fortress 2), then it’ll be a little disappointing, especially when you take into account how cool the Occulus Rift could be. Can you imagine playing Amnesia or Slenderman on Occulus Rift? It’d be the ultimate horror experience, no equals. Or, experiencing the amazingly beautiful world of Columbia in Bioshock Infinite with your own eyes, in your own head! The possibilities are there, but until then, I guess “Wicked Paradise” will take the reins for us. 

Someday. 

This semester in review

I’ve come to notice that around the end of each semester, lots of people like to review their semester; much like a food critic would review a restaurant and their food. These people usually have had excellent experiences in that semester; maybe they obtained a new girlfriend/boyfriend, maybe they made all As, maybe they accomplished something with an extra-curricular club they’re apart of, or maybe they learned how to not suck at school! All of these are valid reasons to celebrate, and they all make for a very tasty semester. Just sprinkle some garlic and oregano, leave to simmer for a few minutes, and you have a semester that’s ready for the menu that ANY food critic would be lucky to taste!  

I, however, had a relatively lackluster semester, and will therefore be talking about video games! Again. Sorry.

Over the past year or so, I’ve started to notice a shift in my interests. If someone were to ask me what I was interested in around the time I graduated high school, I would’ve probably said drumming, music, video games, and drum corps. Nowadays, the interest in video games has gotten much stronger, and the interest in drum corps has decreased. I can’t say that I’m pleased with that, but if I’m being honest with myself, that’s where it all is. I could blame any number of factors, but in reality, we feed our interests through our daily actions, and this semester I didn’t do much except homework, studying, and video games. Kinda lame, I know.

However as a result of this shift, I noticed something about my video game choices that’s made me notice something about myself, and something about the state of video gaming today in general: I appreciate a good story over most other things. My favorite games at the moment include games such as Bioshock, Bioshock: Infinite, The Walking Dead, and Silent Hill 2. However when I say my favorite games, I don’t really mean games that I play every day, but instead I mean games that I find myself thinking about often, because they have extremely interesting stories.

Bioshock contains lots of themes of objectivism, elitism, whether we control our own fate or not, and even some conniving commentary about video games themselves. Bioshock: Infinite deals with themes of cognitive dissonance, denial, extreme guilt, and racism. The Walking Dead and Silent hill 2 are both heart-breaking stories about loss, grief, and in the case of Silent Hill 2, the question of whether one is really capable of lying to themselves or not.

It's also got this nice gentleman.

All of these games contain some amazing moments that really stick in my mind even after I’ve seen them, and yet none of them really relate to the gameplay (except for some instances in The Walking Dead). Why? If the memorable parts of a game to me don’t involve gameplay itself, why even play a game? I might as well watch a movie or read a book, right?

Well, the cool thing about video games is that if they’re good at immersion, then the experience can be greater than that of a movie or a book sometimes. This is especially true in the case of The Walking Dead, where you yourself are making all the choices within the game, and therefore feel like you have a stake in all of the madness as well. If you let yourself, you were able to feel like you were Lee, and you were fully responsible for taking care of Clementine, who is easily one of the most likeable characters ever created in any video game.

She could've turned Hitler into father of the year.

Therefore, good video game writing (in my opinion) hinges on a few things. The biggest, is the availability of player-made decisions. This is one of the major things that video games can do which movies and books cannot, and needs to be used more often (though in a way that matters and which impacts the story or the characters, unlike with the Mass Effect series). Two, is creating well-designed, effective characters. Too many games I’ve played have had an abundance of highly forgettable characters, walking stereotypes, and one-dimensional personalities. The cocky soldier, the maiden who despises violence, the weird kid who day dreams all the time (looking at you, Zelda games), and the generic asshole; these are some of the most common characters I’ve come across in the games I’ve played, and holy shit are they boring. They might as well be cardboard cutouts! The games I previously mentioned do characters right, in addition to The Witcher series, the Mass Effect series, and Red Dead Redemption, among others I’m probably forgetting.

The last thing writers can do to make a video game’s story worth caring about is just that: write a story that will intrigue people. I love pokemon to death, but save for the last 2 games, the stories might as well be non-existent.  I really couldn’t care less about the story in pokemon games, and what I loved about the most recent games is that they actually made an effort to produce a story that was interesting. In too many games, the story is an after-thought, which is sad to me. My fondest memories of video games that I’ve enjoyed have mostly all been plot-based, so it’s hard for me to get attached to a game whose writers obviously didn’t try very hard. Write better stories people! The effort will show, and your game will be better remembered for it.

Don't get me started on this game, because I will never stop.

Now, all of this isn’t to say that game developers should throw gameplay out of the window in favor of plot, far from it actually. Essentially, I just want more well-rounded games. Is it such a bad thing to want games that are fun to play AND have characters that I care about? Maybe a plot twist or some lore? No, it’s not. It’s not too much to ask for. So do it guys.  

Joaquin the Marble Kid, Part 2

As the tournament officials wrapped up the first round, a rather monstrous, mangled-looking man waddled in Joaquin’s direction. When he arrived in front of Joaquin about 3 minutes later, he told the boy something that he would never forget, perhaps for the wrong reasons.

“Now listen here ya dirt-sniffer, I don’t care how much guts ya think ya got, it’s how many guts ya can put forth on that there marbles table. Ya comprend?” Joaquin took a minute to try to understand exactly what the hell the old guy was trying to say, and gave up after running the sentence through his head about ten times.

“So I don’t know how that sounded in your head, but it made no sense, at all. I’m pretty good with words, and I know for a fact that the mangled mess of letters that just came out of your mouth wouldn’t have made sense to a schizophrenic guy. Wanna try again?”

The man looked at him, somewhat surprised by the kid’s fighting spirit. “Just…be ready. Asshole-punk.” He waddled away, taking roughly 3 minutes to return to his group of veteran friends.

Joaquin paid him no mind; as intimidating as the man seemed, he knew that marbles was not a game of physicality, but rather one of wit, and marble size. Besides, he was fairly confident that his prior strategy of triggering PTSD flashbacks would stay faithful through him throughout the tournament. There was nothing to worry about, the plucky adolescent concluded.

“Contestants ‘Joaquin’ and ‘Georgio the Goblin’, please make your way to the marbles table for round two!”

“Georgio the Goblin…an interesting name. Wonder how he got it.”, Joaquin mumbled to himself. “Maybe he plays World of Warcraft, I hear there’s goblins in that game. Sometimes.” He kept these thoughts to himself as he walked towards the table, curious and ready to face his new opponent.

If the name “Georgio the Goblin” evoked any images for Joaquin, then every single one of them was wrong. The man who stood before Joaquin resembled not a single image that Joaquin would have imagined. What was in front of him instead, was a relatively small person, roughly 5’4, slim physique with short curly black hair and a thin goatee. On his head was a sweat band that looked to have not seen any action whatsoever. He wore a t-shirt with the sides cut off, and on the t-shirt read the words “Ain’t gonna get none till you work son”, clearly meant to intimidate the larger members of the pack.

Georgio calmly stepped towards Joaquin until they could smell each other’s breaths. The man opened his mouth, and almost inaudibly, three words came out: “You don’t win.” In response, Joaquin whispered at a similar volume, “Why do you and your friends have such a problem with the English language?” In lieu of a come-back, Georgio took his place at the marbles table, and Joaquin followed suit.

They both chose their marbles methodically, attempting to seem as if they cared very much which marbles to use for this round (they didn’t). Finally, once all the marbles were set up, the tournament official took his place in front of the arena.

“Are both contestants ready?” The responding “Yes” was unanimous. “We will now flip a coin to determine who will go first. Georgio will call.” The coin flipped, and Georgio called heads, only to have his call favored.

“This might not be good…”, Joaquin decided. “The first strike in a marbles game can easily determine the victor depending on how good the player doing the striking is…I better be ready.”

Joaquin glanced at Georgio, and a smug smile rested the man’s lips. 

Joaquin the Marble Kid, Part 1

Joaquin was the odd sort of fellow. He was a 16 year old from a poor Korean family, with an earring and bleached hair, thus immediately signaling to everyone that he was a huge douche but woah hold up there! The kid had a little more to his nature. His favorite song was Chopin’s Nocturne in Eb, and his favorite artist was Georgia O’Keefe (“yes, they look like vaginas hahahahaha Joaquin that’s SO FUNNY”), and his preferred book was Ender’s Game, because who doesn’t love plot twists? The defining feature of this young boy however, was his proficiency in not only History, but in the game of marbles.

In fact, Joaquin was so good at these two things that he could easily win any game of marbles by spouting facts about the American Civil War during the match, thus distracting his opponent and allowing Joaquin to throw his biggest marble at their eye, incapacitating them and letting Joaquin steal all the marbles on the field. A winning strategy to be sure; so much so, that his friends and acquaintances were constantly badgering him to participate in a regional marbles tournament. Since the boy didn’t have much else to do , he decided to enter the tournament. In his mind, not only would he be able to win the prize ruby marble, but also teach some ignorant people a good amount of history! “God everyone except me is so ignorant” thought Joaquin (and every other 16 year old) every day. This was his chance! This was his opportunity to seize the Golden Fleece! Then probably go back to smoking weed and watching Netflix every day afterwards.

The day of the event, Joaquin arrived early to scout out his opponents in order to determine who would be the biggest threat, kind of like a jaguar would if it decided to steal food from a pride of lions (a horrible idea). One by one the opponents filed in, each one seemingly looking meaner than the last. There were eye patches, scars, suggestive tattoos, and buzzed haircuts everywhere Joaquin looked…as confident as he was in his abilities, he knew one thing for sure: these guys were veterans. Korean War veterans to be exact, as they all probably carpooled and all looked to be around the same age.  Maybe they even went to Denny’s beforehand and all got a Grand slam to celebrate their anticipated victories? “Probably”, Joaqin thought; that’s a pretty old guy thing to do.

Eventually it was time for Joaquin to meet his first opponent. His name was Tyrone; “Twistie Tie Tyrone” to be exact, as that was his name given to him during the war, because of his ability to consistently untie ANY twisty tie every single time without any problems. “Damn impressive” thought Joaqin to himself, “but in a game of marbles, you’re gonna need more than that, old guy.” Tyrone gave Joaquin a pensive look that suggested just by looking at his bleached hair and Ed Hardy Jacket, he already knew everything about the kid that there was to know. He was probably right, Joaquin knew, but what Tyrone didn’t know was that you can’t prepare for history facts during a game of marbles. Oh, how Joaquin intended to deliver.

As the announcer started the match, and Joaquin lined up his first shot, he announced “The Korean War started on June 25^th, 1950. Over 2.5 million South and North Korean civilians were killed during the course of the war”. The marble flew at Tyrone, but he gave no reaction, instead letting the marble hit him square in the face. His eyes had glazed over, and he had begun trembling, clearly going through some form of PTSD flashback. Quickly, Tyrone’s veteran friends came and took him away to sit down and recover, giving Joaquin some choice words in the process, such as “Juvenile prick”, and “Bitchy McDickface”. Joaquin won the match by default, thus proving that jerks can succeed in the right conditions. However, the results of the rest of the tournament have yet to be seen! 

So you're a Superbowl

Apparently the Super Bowl's on Sunday, which I didn’t really know untill about three days ago. I don’t know who’s playing who, but I’m sure the commercials will be entertaining? Every year I always try to make an effort to watch the commercials, but I honestly just can’t stay focused. American advertising is about as convincing as a clown scientist anyway, which I already know, but I always like to give the benefit of the doubt and assume they put out better stuff each year. Which they don’t!

But commercials and crushing disappointment aside, I hope the teams make lots of touchdowns and please their respective homelands and stuff, and if no one was killed, that’d be pretty cool too. I figured that in the spirit of football (I didn’t even know those words were in my vocabulary!), I’d explain football to various interest groups who normally wouldn’t know what football is. It seems like it should be our American duty to expose football to those less fortunate, right? Should be fun! Also, if the content of this article doesn’t please or humor you, you can always 1) punch a porcupine, or 2) Let me know! ONWARD STALLIONS

Toddlers:

So you’re 4 years old! You know when your dad ignores you for hours at a time because he’s sitting in front of the flashy screen? When he does that, he’s watching football! You see, in order to play football, you have to be big and strong, but it’s different than the big and strong your parents tell you you’ll be when they try to get you to eat vegetables. No, to get this big and strong, you have to inhale LOTS of meat and LOTS of steroids! What are steroids you ask?

Steroids are special, magical things you can inject into your body to rapidly make you big and strong! Usually, you have to inject them using a shot, which-yeah, ok, I get it, you don’t like shots. Please stop crying. Seriously, I’m not your parents, I don’t know what the hell to do. Go fetch? Shit. Uhhh...candy! Ok, now we can continue. 

Finding this image may have put me on several lists.

So anyway, in football, the teams try to get a ball to their side of the field, and if they do  so without the other team stopping them, they get a touchdown! Whooooo touchdown YEAH What? You want me to stop yelling so you can play with your legos? Yeah ok, sorry for trying to teach you. By the way, leaving those legos out on the floor at night makes dad really happy!

Aliens:

So you’re from the Saturn’s sixth moon, Enceladus! Welcome to Earth, I hope you enjoy your stay and that you enjoy many of our entertainment offers, including FOOTBALL AWW YEAH! What’s football you ask?

Well first off, please observe my fleshy form, if you will. If you can believe it, I am not the biggest or well-defined individual of my species. Hard to swallow, I know, but it’s true. Human males who are much bigger and have much more muscles than I do all join various factions and, for months at a time, do their best to get a ball from one side of a field to another. They stop the other team from doing so by throwing their bodies into the each other, and sometimes injuries happen, but our species can’t get enough of it!

Why? Well I don’t know, we all like to align ourselves with the various teams and pretend that we’re part of something bigger than we are or something like that, don’t judge us. I doubt what you do on your planet for entertainment is much better...you write philosophical books and create new planets for those who have none? Aren’t you special. Let us tackle each other and throw a ball around, you go back to your saving each other crap ok? Klaatu barada nikto, bitch.

Penguins

So you’re a penguin! Yes you are! WHO’S A WITTLE PENGUIN WITH WITTLE FEETS AND WINGS? YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! 

There's never a bad time to talk about penguins.

What’s that? You wanna know what us humans like to do the most? Well the answer to that, little buddy who's now my best friend, is a big thing called football. We take some of our biggest, scariest guys and pit them against each other in a game of brutality, honor, and possibly repressed-homosexuality (depending on who you ask). They take a ball roughly the size of your baby chick, and throw it at each other and try to get it to the other side of the field the most times! It’s a journey from one side of the field to the other, kind of like when you travel for 2 weeks to retrieve food for your baby! Except, well, our players are really well fed and don’t have to worry about them or their kids starving to death...but the long journey part is still the same! Kinda!

Europeans

AMERICA BITCH! Oh I’m sorry, what’s that? You DO have football? No you don’t. Haha. I’m sure you all are so happy and content with your little round-ball-ass, kicking-only football, but over in America (where we have real men), we like to plow into each other, like actual men did in the 40s.

I actually feel sorry for all of you on the other side of the lake, I really do. You’ll never really get what it’s like to eat a hotdog that’s the size of your forearm as you watch a man that may or may not be able to pass for a laboratory experiment throw a ball across the distance of two school buses. You can make all the scientific advances all you want, but that will always be a purely American feeling! NUMBER ONE COUNTRY YOU BUNCH OF BETAS WHOOOOOO MERCA

Sorry that you can't take the immense lack of size our government has.

Why we need to elect a penguin as president in 2016

Upon having a political conversation with my mom, I came to a realization: People don’t like politicians. I wasn’t aware of this! Is there anyone reading this who was? Why didn’t you tell me?! Until now I lived my life thinking that people were happy with whom they elected to office, and that concept’s been completely shredded now.

Why aren’t we trying to solve this? If this is something that’s been going on for a long time then I’m very sad, because guess how long it took me to think of a solution? About 10 minutes. Ten whole minutes is all it took for me to solve this issue, and I did it all by myself. What do we do?

It’s obvious! We just elect someone who’s more likeable. A simple concept, yes, but I think that it will work. The only question though, is “What do people like SO MUCH that they will elect them over a real politician?”. And the answer, is this cool dude right here. 

AH'M PROUD TO BE AN 'MURICAN

Since I know at least 20 of you reading this are currently face-palming in jealousy, let me just say that it was obvious, and that anyone who applied themselves to the subject for at least 2 minutes would also think of this! I was just the first to do so. I’m not sorry. However, since our culture dictates that we have to support our claims with evidence, no matter how genius those claims may be (in my case, super genius level claims). Therefore, I’ll give 3 good reasons why a penguin should be elected president of the United States in 2016.

1. Patriotism and morale would be off the charts

Has anyone ever been around a penguin and been sad? I think it’s impossible. They are the best animals in existence, hands down. Everything about a penguin is engineered to induce the maximum amount of happiness, awe, and “awww”. Let’s break that down a little further!

A penguin’s waddle is un-arguably the funniest way to get anywhere, so much so that we emulate penguins when we try to be funny (don’t deny it. I know who you all are), and we hold the waddle above all other forms of transportation. Or, I do at least. If you aren’t waddling at least once a day then you’re really missing out, seriously this stuff is fun. Furthermore, have you ever heard what sounds a penguin makes?! It purrs. It purrs! Yes, pretty much just like a cat, and it’s two times more cute. Personally, I don’t see why penguins are more accepted as domestic pets, I’m sure they’d get along with children better than any other pet out there. 

That seal represents every other country in the world.

Now, the point of all this cuteness, is that I’m sure the American people would be PROUD to serve a penguin. People love to know that the person they’re working for is a person who has widespread appeal, and nothing has more widespread appeal than a damn penguin. Even the most terrorist-y of terrorists can’t argue that a penguin would win them over. They can’t! If a penguin asked you to do something, you can be sure that you’d do it, and you’d do it well, because you’d rather lose to the communists than disappoint that penguin. That’s the kind of dedication and loyalty that this country needs to come together and prosper in this day and age.

2. Race and party relations would be at an all time high

Another great thing about having a penguin president would be the subtle symbolic importance that a penguin would bring with it. What colors are on a penguin? Black and white. The two opposite colors, yin and yang. To have a president that embodies the two opposites of the world would do a lot of good for our country right now, it would enable black and white people to look and say “Hmm. Our president is both black AND white...clearly we can all get along. What an adorably inspiring president, YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!” and then all race relation problems would forever be solved. Nevermore would the question of “Why is it ok for me to like fried chicken?”, or “Why do I enjoy dancing like a flamingo having a seizure?” pass our minds, because we’d understand that, with the grace of our president penguin, all these things are accepted.

Republicans and Democrats would be able to look at this disparity in color schemes and realize that they’re not so different after all. President Penguin just wants what’s best for America, and he’s not gonna let his color contrasts get in his way, therefore neither should the political parties. They’re gonna look at him and say “Hmm. Our president is both black AND white...obviously we’re not so different after all! COME HERE YOU ADORABLE REPUBLICAN YOU”, and then all the bills would pass. All because we’d have a president who represents what happens when two opposites come together: you get cuteness incarnate. 

It's just so damn American. 

With these things in mind, it’s obvious that a penguin would help bring this country together in a way that no human could ever do. If a person could say “Well, I don’t like you, but we live under the same penguin president, so I’ll help you out!”, then I think that’s a giant step forward for this divided country we currently live in. Think about it America.

3. Productivity would be crazy, no more crappy economy guys

Now, the question I know you’re all asking yourselves at this point is “Well, I know that a penguin would tremendously help the US, and you’re probably right that it’d be our best choice right now, but I still have to ask...how would he fix the economy?” I’m gonna goddamn tell you how, just watch this video. I hope you’re ready for this. 

See that? Penguins love their kid so much that they travel, hunt, and travel back in the course of 2 weeks, all to feed their little baby penguin. The penguin who starred in this video in particular! He got bitten and almost eaten by a damn seal, but managed to wit his way out, belly-slide all the way back to the colony, find his little kid, and feed him/her the meal that he worked so hard to get.

That’s basically the embodiment of America right there. We are a nation full of people who work hard every single day, making sacrifices, so that they can come home and have food to feed their children. Even if they get in a car wreck, or almost get eaten by a seal, our people can’t give up; they must endure, for the sake of the future of the country. The lazy among us would look at our magnificent avian president, and realize how selfish they're being through their laziness, and thus would get a job pronto. Because of these parallels in work ethic, it’s no doubt that a penguin is the most American animal in existence, and thus should be elected as our president.

All in all-you know what? I don’t even need to summarize this. With all things considered, you know what you have to do America. It’s our best option. 

Accept your new leader.

ELECT PENGUIN 2016

If you would, please.

If you would please, just for a second, imagine yourself in a concert hall.

Imagine the shuffling of well-groomed shoes as the orchestra members make their way onto stage, filing into line as the chairs become filled. The hall starts to fill up with white noise as the brass players begin to blow warm air into their instruments, preparing themselves for the performance that is to come. Then the percussionists enter, putting themselves behind their respective instruments, their faces full of confidence and purpose. You notice the conductor off to the side of the stage, his eyes closed...praying? Relaxing? It’s hard to tell, but by the next time you blink he walks to the center of the stage and bows. His bow is a practiced one, one that betrays the youthful shine of his meticulously groomed hair. As he turns his back to the audience and raises his conductor’s baton to begin the experience, you start to wonder to yourself...

How did I get here?

Did you even drive to the concert? It’s all kind of cloudy in your head. Trying to find the way you got here is becoming more and more like trying to find a piece of foreign hair inside a jar of peanut butter, because that’s just how paranoid you are (Trust me, it’s there). Maybe someone drove you there, because you certainly don’t own a car, not since the accident.

It was as if an occult hand had picked you up and dropped you into this orchestra performance (which by the way, they’re in the middle of Beethoven's 9th and you are NOT disappointed). You consider getting up and walking out of the concert to figure out exactly where you are, but the stares of the other concert-goers quickly bomb that idea out of your head. The look in their eyes gives you feelings of alienation and anxiety...why is there so much hate? Upon looking around, you realize that these stares are shared by everyone else in the room, and immediately you become very self-conscious. Your hands start shaking enough to generate heat to warm a small family of anthropomorphic mice for the winter. Your sweat glands become more productive than a college student during the four hours before an exam. Is this an anxiety attack? No, you recognize these feelings...you’ve been in this situation before.

As your breathing catches up to your sympathetic nervous system, you manage to take control of your body. You slow your breathing down and manage to control the loud shaking of your hands, and as this process happens, you slowly start to put the pieces together:

1. You have no recollection of arriving at this concert.
2. The other concert goers share a large amount of contempt for your presence.
3. Despite everything, you highly enjoy the music being played.

And then all the memories come rushing back to you as you realize what happened...you look down to examine yourself, and find that you’re wearing a Stravinsky shirt. At a concert featuring the works of Beethoven.

Furthermore, you don’t remember getting into this situation because you had gotten mugged and given a dose of Rohypnol by a gang of music composition majors, up to no good. Their plan was to ambush you, drug you, dress you in Stravinsky attire, and drop you off in a Beethoven concert, in order to put you in the most uncomfortable situation possible.

Those bitch sacks.